Clean 'Stock Quotes
ON-STAGE
[Jason and Peter in an actual 'candyland.' In 3 Rooms.]
Jason: I got the sugar-shivers!
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[Liz and Evan, in Character Switch, as paratroopers at 30,000 feet.]
Liz: I really gotta pee.
Evan: Oh, you'll be peeing in a second. (opens door to plane.)
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[Bryan with Liz and Stephanie at campfire in Love/Hate.]
Bryan: That wasn't a bear, that was my extremely obese brother.
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[Evan with Liz and Stephanie trapped in an elevator, in Love/Hate.]
Evan (after blowing on them): That's the wind of my love blowing thru your hair.
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[Liz as reporter talking to Brady Quinn during draft, in Elimination.]
Liz: So Brady, how many sacs did you get last year?
Evan (as Quinn): I don't feel comfortable answering that.
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[Evan as bartender talking to a quarraling Liz and Stephanie.]
Evan: Well look at that pool of jello, maybe you should solve your problems in there?
Jason (as quiet guy in background): I'll get in the pool...
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[Bryan, Jason, Stephanie, and Liz, at Geiko commercial audition]
Stephanie (british accent): I think we're here to replace him.
Bryan (british accent): Bit of a drinking problem.
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[Jason as a drunk captain Kirk after blowing up helpless ship.]
Jason: ...I'm buzzed.
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[Evan and Liz during the warm up Yes And...]
Evan: YES, here's my shovel, AND...here's my spout. (over the top laughter.)...ahh. ok.
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[Bryan in Ding.]
Bryan: I've enjoyed the company of your company for the last 10 years now.
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[Jason and Jeremiah in 3 Rooms, as 2 boys being shipped off to war.]
Jeremiah: I brought all this and you only brought-
Jason: I only brought 2 things: A book of funny jokes and this hat that says 'Don't Shoot Me.'
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[Bryan and Liz in 3 Rooms.]
Bryan: Do you remember our first date?
Liz: No. Was that the one at the Jockylot?
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[Bryan and Liz, still in 3 Rooms.]
Bryan: When was your first time?
Liz: 19...97, 98.
Bryan: You were 11!?
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[Jeremiah and Liz in Blindline, singing her a song.]
Jeremiah: My cheese is melting, my cheese is melting, my cheese is melting on YOU.
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[The whole group playing Story, each adding one word at a time.]
I love to ride my tric and play with my computer games 14 hours of the day so when I quit riding my tric. I like to fall on the slope. One day many years ago my friend who slept late every day had a rash. It was bad, very bad, so bad that I helped apply some lotion...
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[Caroline and Jeremiah in Walmart as grandmother and grandson looking for a Christmas present for mother. 3 Rooms.]
Caroline: I thought your mother would want something like an ironing board, or a paper clip, or some soup.
[Same scene]
Jeremiah: Grandma on aisle 5!
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[Worlds Worst.]
(Pilot)
Jason: Ladies and Gentlemen...I'm actually calling from my car. Sorry, I'm on my way.
(Writer)
Evan: John Grisham, nice to meet you.
(Actor)
Evan: Evan Harris, nice to meet you.
(Dentist)
Jeremiah: Go ahead and close your eyes. (Moves in for kiss.)
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[Jeremiah is bachelor in Dating Game.]
Jeremiah: Bachelorette #1, If we wanted to go to a date at a clothing store, what would you buy me?
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[Jeremiah as 'trapeze artist whose afraid of heights', in Dating Game.]
Jeremiah: I like school, but I didn't like High School.
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[Bryan and Caroline in Switch, as young man and old lady, before an acting audition.]
Bryan: How many parts have you gotten?
Caroline: ...One and a half.
Bryan: I've been a dead body on CSI three times this season!
[Same scene, Stephanie as young man in Switch.]
Stephanie: I'm trying out for the hot young stud. So all the girls oooh over me. Oh yeah!
[Same scene, Caroline as young man in Switch.]
Caroline: Whens the last time you had a role, 1959?
[Same scene, Jason as old lady in Switch.]
Jason: I have 29 cats, so I go on 29 dates every night. We share milk...
Young man: Have you memorized your lines?
Jason: Yes, I only have 2 lines. "Aren't you quite the strong engineer." and "Oooh! saucy!"
[Same scene, Jason as young man and Bryan as old lady in Switch.]
Bryan: They need to name boats after my cats, like USS Pusssy Paws. Or Captain Whisters.
[Same scene, Jason as young man and Bryan as old lady in Switch.]
Bryan: ...when men wore nice coats and had a neatly trimmed moustache.
Jason: Moose-stach? Thats how you say it? Like a moose-stach? 'Quick... stache the moose, the cops are coming!'
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[Stephane in POW as a turkey.]
Stephanie: Gobble Gobble Gobble (she did a good job.)
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[Liz and Jason in Actors Nightmare. Sad over death of mother and aunt who died in kitchen while competing against Bobby Flay on the television.]
Jason: If Bobby Flay were here he would have succumed to defeat and given us the ribbon, or whatever it is they have on that show.
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[Evan and Jeremiah in Actors Nightmare.]
Jeremiah: Molly.
Evan: Yes, Molly. I will be Molly for you.
Jeremiah: But you don't know the prophesy, Molly?
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[Freeze.]
Liz: this is 7 carats. I mean like Bugs Bunny would be jealous.
Caroline: I don't think this is a rain dance, but I'll still do it.
[Jeremiah and Caroline in Freeze.]
Jeremiah: How've you been since the divorce?
Caroline: I've had fun.
[Freeze.]
Jason: Oh man, I fell in the quicksand mama!
[Freeze.]
Peter: Oh man, they shot off ya legs!
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[Evan in 3 Rooms, talking about his problems with farming.]
Evan: I don't have any arms and I'm agoraphobic so...I have some trouble growing crops.
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[Bryan and Jeremiah in Well Actually, talking about game activity.]
Bryan: A lot of new Jewish gangs cropping up.
Jeremiah: The Oy Vey's.
Bryan: Yea, and The Dreidels.
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[Jared and Jason in Freeze, Jared is moving Jason's arms and legs around like a toy.]
Jared: I really love my new lifesize Gumbo.
Jason: ...My name is Gumbo. I am not Gumby. I am a knock-off brand.
Jared: You must be from Walmart.
Jason: I am a cheap toy. Gumby costs much more than I do.
Jared: This kinda tastes poisonous. Where you made in China?
Jason: Oh yeah.
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[Peter and Jeremiah in Freeze, Peter is an old man and Jeremiah has his arm up.]
Peter: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Jeremiah: How.
Peter: Oh you're one of them indian fellers.
Jeremiah: How.
Peter: How what?
Jeremiah: How, did you're breath get so bad?
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[Jason and Meg in 3 Rooms.]
Jason: Welcome to Vin Diesel's Hot Air Balloon Tours.
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[Caroline and Bryan in 3 Rooms.]
Caroline: Get me all the money in the vault and hand it over.
Bryan: Gladly. (He hands her a small bag.) It's a recession you know.
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[Meg and Evan are fancy cousins in Well Actually.]
Evan: Where have you been?
Meg: Dexter, in the past 5 years.
Evan: Yes?:
Meg: I joined a convent and then I ran away with the minister.
Evan: Ohh!
Meg: Then I wrote a tell-all memoir as a runaway-ex-nun-ministers-wife.
Evan: That is impressive.
(DING)
Evan: That is the sickest thing I've ever heard.
[Meg and Evan. Later in the same scene.]
Meg: Yes! God works in mysterious ways.
(DING)
Meg: Indeed! The Lord doth do things funilly.
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[Reed in Party Quirks.]
Reed: First night of my own reality show. "Diesel in Love." Vin Diesel will find love cause he can't find a career."
[Reed. Later in the same scene.]
Reed: Come on in. I'm Vin Diesel, I'm sure you could tell by the smell.
[April entering as a creepy Mortician after she'd knocked a few times. Later in the same scene.]
April: I'm always waiting...on people.
[Reed to April. Later in the same scene.]
Reed: I'm Vin Diesel by the way. I'm sure you could tell by the smell. I use that line a lot. It's GOOD!
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[Jason and Meg in Half Life as a mean adult and a kid on the ground. We're inventing shoelaces.]
Meg: If only there was something that I had to tie my shoes.
Jason: Oh oh, "If only..." Look! Maybe I INVENTED IT and it's right here!
Meg: What are they?
Jason: These are foot...foot worms!
Meg: I"ll call them shoe laces.
Jason: That's stupid.
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[Jason and April with Reed and Bryan in Flashback. Jason and April are an old couple celebrating 15 years of marrage.]
Jason: I love Star Wars.
April: That reminds me of our first date.
(FLASHBACK with Reed and Bryan to first date. Reed is pushing Bryan in a wheelchair.)
Bryan: Look at those stars, they're fighting as if in a war.
(Back to original scene.)
Jason: That's right our first date where you were in a wheelchair outside.
April: That was wonderful. Thanks for explaining those stars.
Jason: I can't believe you thought that's what the movie was about.
[Later in the same scene.]
Jason: I got you another gift.
April: Ohh!
Jason: I had to fight a guy for it.
(FLASHBACK with Reed and Bryan. Reed beat up Bryan.]
Reed: Hey you let go of my Wii Console (sounded like Council.) That's for my lady friend.
(Back to original scene.)
Jason: It's a Wii...Council.
April: I love that Wii Fitness thing.
Jason: I know you love Wii's and Wii Councils.
[Later in the same scene.]
Jason: Remember that good day?
April: That one good day? I remember that.
(FLASHBACK with Reed and Bryan.]
Bryan: I call to order the first meeting of the 'Wii Council.'
Bryan and Reed: Weee! (holding hands up and sit down.)
Bryan: First thing we need to do is change our name 'Console' might be better.
(Back to original scene.)
Jason: Our one good day and it was just a...vocabulary correction.
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[Evan and Reed in Hesitation. They're at a Boston Tea Party.]
Evan: Oh! I'm dying, I'm dying it feels like...(points at audience participant.)
Sam: ...Death.
Reed: I know what you need.
Evan: What?
Reed: More tea! It's called...(points at audience participant.)
Olivia: ...Butt.
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